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Q. What`s the best way to keep milk fresh? A. Leave it in the cow.

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped an arm around hers houlder, winked at Her and added I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they shagged furiously.
Seven weeks and three days later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of more...

1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator? Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I’ll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to more...

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour."In this room, I was thinking of an offblue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, more...

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. more...

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night
I pray I'll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.