Kelly Jokes / Recent Jokes

A battered looking Kelly hobbled into the bar on one crutch and a cast on his arm.
"My God, what happened to you?" asked the bartender.
"I got into a tiff with Riley," Kelly replied.
"Riley?" He's just a wee fellow," the surprised barkeep said. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was!"
"Dear Lord," exclaimed the bartender. "Did you not have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did... Mrs. Riley's right boob," Kelly explained. "A beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast."I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender."Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised."He must have had something in his hand.""That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was.""Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?""Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said."And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

It's New Year's Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket.

The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's New Year's Eve, and I know we're both depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is killing me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "It's none of your freaking business! And if you be givin' me a hard time, I'll be breaking your bloody face!"

At this time, a little mouse pops out of Kelly's shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your cat, too!"

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."