Kick Jokes / Recent Jokes
On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that crap out, I'd kick his butt to the moon."
Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees? A: Because they kept droning on and on! Q: What do you call a bee born in May? A: A maybe! Q: What kind of bee can't be understood? A: A mumble bee! Q: Where do bees keep their money? A: In a honey box! Q: What TV station do bees watch? A: Bee bee c one! Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee? A: Bee-hive yourself! Q: Why did the bees go on strike? A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers! Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: Beacuse of the honey combs! Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30, 000 feet? A: A bee is an aeroplane!
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until more...
Three women were on death row, a blonde, a burnet and a red-head, and they escaped from prison. Then they go to a barn to hide out in three potato sacks.The cops come to the barn and they suspect something in the potato sacks. The cops kick the first one and the burnet says,"MEOW". So they think theres a cat in there. They go to the next one. They kick the sack that the red-head is in and she says "CA CAW CA CAW". So the cops think a chickens in there. Then they kick the potato sack the blonde is in and she says "POTATO".
Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end." The other monkey said o.k. I'll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can. So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees. The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks "Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch. So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and starts to read it. All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says, "Did you see a monkey run by here?" The monkey goes, "You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end?" And the lion says,"Dang it was in the paper already?"
The 11th commandment is: "Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris!" This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it more...
There was a blonde in the middle of a wheat field, in a row boat, rowing. When another blonde, stops her car on the side of the road, gets out and starts yelling, "You are the type of blonde that gives the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!"