Kick Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer was out shooting and shot a duck. As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared. "This is my land", said the farmer, "so that is my duck".
"I shot it," said the lawyer. "That means it is my duck? and I will sue you to prove it."
"Round here, we don't hold with court cases," said the farmer. "We go by the Three Kicks Law. I kick you three times; and if you can get back on your feet and kick me three times, the duck is yours."
The lawyer, reckoning he could kick far harder than any farmer, said: "Fair enough." So the farmer kicked him once in the knee, then in the ribs and finally in the groin.
"All right," groaned the lawyer, stumbling back on his feet, "now it's my turn."
"Oh, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in more...

There once was a town called Trid. The townspeople had a happy life, exept for one thing. There was a mountain right next to the town. On that mountain there lived an ogre. Whenever the Trids went up the mountain to herd their sheep, the ogre would kick them down - literally.
One day, a foreign rabbi came to Trid. The Trids told him about the ogre. The rabbi said, "I'll see what I can do."
The rabbi went up to the ogre. The ogre looked at him, but didn't do anything. The rabbi said to the ogre, ""How come you kick down the people of Trid, but not me?"
The ogre replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani more...

Why did they kick all of the midgets out of the nudist colony?
They kept getting in everyones hair.

There was once a indian and an pakistani who lived next door to each other. The indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the pakistani pick up the egg. The indian ran up to the pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the indian said, "in my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: i kick your back and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The pakistani agreed to this and so the indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward more...

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!"

The city guy says,' Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!"
The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over")

So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders "Its my turn"
The famer looks at him and says - "aw Hell, keep the damn duck!