Kick Jokes / Recent Jokes

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here. "
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S.; and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. "
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the Iowa Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick Rule? "
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, more...

A brennette, a red head, and a blonde break out of jail. They decide to hide in a next door barn. The next morning the brenette hears police car sirighns. "Quick lets hide in those baskets!" Says the bernette. So they hide. The cop is ordered to kick the first basket he does and the bernett says "Bark!" "Darn dogs." The cop mumbles. He is ordered to kick the second basket. He does and the red head says "Meow!" "Darn cats." the cop again mumbles. He is ordered to kick the last basket and the blonde yells "PATATOES!!!"

your mommas so old she had to kick start her vibrater

Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal-posts of life

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting
breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until
you do your chores."
A little ticked off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to
milk the cow, he kicks it.
When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the
pigs, he kicks one of them.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.
His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I
saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so
you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs
and kicks the cat.
The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him,
or should I?"

A few minutes after a crowded airliner takes off, a five-year-old boy begins to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother tries to do to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly priest slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the priest leans down and whispers something into the young boy's ear.
Without hesitation, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the priest begins to make his way back to his seat, one of the flight attendants touches his sleeve. "Pardon me, Father," she says quietly, "but may I ask what magic words you used on that little boy?"
Smiling serenely, the priest gently says, "I told him that if he didn't knock it off, I'd kick his butt to the more...

There was this old old old old lady and she had this parrot and wanted him to learn some new words for church.
So the first day they went out they saw these two ladies fighting and the parrot heard on of them say “Your a mother fucking liar! ”.
The second day they went out they saw these two boys playing ball and one of them hit the ball right across the other boy’s head and he knelled down and said “If you would of hit me with that ball, I would of fucked you up! ”.
The third day they went out to the race tracks and a rider fell off the horse and another rider said “Just kick ’em in the ass and he’ll get up”.
So it was Sunday; Church day and the preacher said “The Lord is with us”, and the parrot said “Your a mother fucking liar! ”.
The preacher then threw a bible and just missed the parrot and the parrot kneeled down and said “If you would of hit me with that bible I would of fucked you up! ”.
The old lady fainted and the more...