Kill Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy’s wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, “Go kill your wife of five years. ” The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, “I can’t do it. ” The instructor replied, “Then you fail out, so get out. ”
The second candidate’s wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, “Go kill your wife of ten years. ” The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, “I can’t do it. ” The instructor replied, “Then you fail out - more...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.' We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!' The man said,' You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said,' Then you're not the right man for this job.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,' You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after more...

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.
As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down to the clearing, and the bear's body is gone!
He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What??" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the more...

Every year, Bob goes hunting during bear season. One year, Bob goes hunting, and shoots a small brown bear. Then, the mother of that small brown bear comes up to him and says, " I'll give you two choices, I'll either kill you, or make love to you, but I won't let you go."

Bob thinks on this, and decides he wants to live, so the mother bear then makes love to him.

The next year, Bob goes hunting again, but this time, he shoots the mother bear that he was forced to make love to the year before. He shoots her, and her mother comes after Bob, and again, gives him the choice. "I will make love to you, or kill you, which will it be??"

Again, Bob makes love to a bear.

The next year, Bob goes once again for revenge, and kills the bear that he was forced to make love to the year before.

This time, her sister comes up to Bob and says, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you??"

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you? Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Were you alone or by yourself? Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. more...

1. How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. 2. How do you kill a pink elephant? Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

The Top 16 Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes

16'What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?'

15'Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.'

14'Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.'

13'It takes a tough man to make tender chicken from a cat.'

12'You will meet a tall, dark man, not a stranger, who will kill you. He will kill Ron also.'

11'This coupon good for free 1-year subscription to Windows Sources magazine.'

10'Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.'

9'Spouse mad at you. No get special' wonton pork' tonight, Chester.'

8'Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids.'

7'A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage.'

6'An 87 year old hooker awaits you. Alright, let's see you add' ...between the sheets' to that one, smart guy.'

5'Man who look to more...