Kiss Jokes / Recent Jokes

Outrageous Flirting Lines
You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming? Hey, didn't we go to different high schools? There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. At last! I finally found the perfect girl! A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend. Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night? Is it hot in here or is it just you? If I follow you home, will you keep me? The best way to hold a man is in your arms. If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? If love is the answer...can you repeat the question? I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number? Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking. I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now? But you're so *cute* when you blush! All those curves, and me with no brakes. I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods. Please be patient-this is my first time. May we more...

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per meter madam," replied Banta (clerk).
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take five meters."
"Five meters only?", asked Banta "Hmmmmm..", girl thinks for a moment and said, "Ok give me ten meters" With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Banta hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and.. I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been fucked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're fucked real good."

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
If you kiss her once more...

THE CHINESE DETECTIVE
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch..
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another woman, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another man, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she more...