Labor Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Answer Man(Woman) Tackles Pregnancy:
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got
pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as
well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: more...

Scientists created a new invention that could reduce the pain of giving birth. It gave some of the pain that the mother felt to the father. This was there first experiment:
One day a woman came who was in labor. They hooked the machine up to her and the other end to her husband. As soon as she started feeling pain they started transferring it to the husband. THey gave him 10% of the pain. He didn't feel anything. They gave him 20%. He still felt fine. 30%. No pain. 40%. Pain free. 50%, 60%, 70%, 80%, 90% and then 100%. THe father felt no pain whatsoever and neither did the mother. All the doctors were glad they had a pain free delivery. After the mother and father got home, they found the mailman dead on their lawn.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning
crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby more...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: more...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.Q: Our more...

New Republican GOP agenda - the Top Ten House Republican initiatives:
Eliminate the Department of Health and Human Services, all Occupational Safety and Health laws and regulations, and Luxury Taxes, and use the savings to eliminate the corporate income tax.
Restore the House on Un-American Activities Committee (Robert Dornan to be Chairman) and eliminate the Ethics Committee.
Provide tax credits for home schooling.
Repeal all gun control laws and provide tax incentives for private militia.
Eliminate all Federal election funding and regulations, and repeal the voting rights act.
Right to Work Act: Repeal anti-competition laws and outlaw labor monopoly groups.
Pass a "anti-flag burning" constitutional amendment to protect patriotic emblems such as "Old Glory," the "Stars-and-Bars," "Star-Spangled Banner," "Dixie," and maybe the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."
Provide tax credit for mothers to more...

Frequently I am asked by my readers to explain the mysteries of child birth. Well okay, that's actually completely untrue, but since we're on the subject I want to tell you about Lamaze class.

Lamaze is a breathing technique whereby women feel no pain while having an object the size of a small watermelon claw its way out of their bodies. Yes, this is utterly ridiculous, but Lamaze class has apparently become a prerequisite to giving birth: in fact, a woman in East Jordan, Michigan was recently discovered by authorities to have given birth to a baby without having first attended Lamaze, and the courts actually made her put it back.

Although pregnancy has been around for at least 100 years, most men don't understand anything about it. It was news to me that pregnancy takes place in three trimesters (Trimester comes from the phrase,' Don't you even TRY, MISTER,' uttered by women when men suggest that maybe they can't make it to Lamaze class one night.) The three more...