Labor Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth more...
Three construction contractors died and went to heaven - a Pakistani, a Chinese, and an Indian. When they got there St. Peter welcomed them warmly and asked if they could do him a favor before they entered heaven.
It seems that the Pearly gates were in need of some repair, and he wanted some estimates.
The Pakistani contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at $900. When asked how he came up with that figure, he said, "$300 materials, $300 labor, and $300 profit."
St. Peter then asked theChines contractor for an estimate. After careful inspection he answered, "$3300 - $1100 materials, $1100 labor, and $1100 profit."
When St. Peter ask the Indian for an estimate, he answered immediately without looking over the job at all - $2900.
Asked how he came up with that figure he answered, "Simple, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $900 to get the Pakistanti contractor over there to do the work."
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do more...
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A:' Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: more...
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he hadinvented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked
the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transferALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy more...
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with more...
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to more...