Ladies Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead!"

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said:' You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

' Impossible', said the embarrassed man,' You really know what I think?'

' Yes', the lady replied,' I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it.'

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing."Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!""Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?""Opened a can of peas instead!"

TRAVELLER'S TALES
 
 
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
  composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
 "Visitors are expected to complain at the officebetween the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily."
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have childrenin the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have anysuitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY:
Take one of our horse-driven citytours. We guarantee no more...

Three little old ladies are sitting in a restaurant one day, talking about this and that. The first lady said, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful. This morning I was
standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down.""Oh, that's nothing," the second lady said. "The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had just gotten up."The third lady smiled pleasantly at the other two. "Well, my memory is just as good as ever, knock on wood."She rapped on the table with her knuckles, then gave a start and said, "Who's there?"

Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life." Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways." Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream." Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each others friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years... What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says..."How soon do you have to know?"