Ladies Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three guys, one Tamil, one British and one Sinhalese are speakers at the 5th International Deaf and Dumb Conference at London's Park Lane Hilton Hotel.
Tamil guy gets up to speak but then realises none of the audience will understand due to their disability. He therefore places his hands upon his head abd waves them like antlers. Suddenly the audience all clap.
The British and Sinhalese guys wonder why the audience clap - the Tamil guy says the antler gesture meant "dear" etc. Envious at the Tamils skills of improvisation the British guy then gets up to the stage and does a similar gesture but rubs his breast and groin. The audience clap even more enthusiastically.
The other two guys ask him what he actually said by way of the gestures. He replies " Dear Ladies and Gentleman". Not to let his country down, the Sinhalese guy then places his hands upon his head in antler way, rubs his breast and groin and then proceeds to unzip his fly, and masturbate more...
Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school--how did you manage
to live a well-planned life?" "Well," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a
preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Asked the friend, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"
Q: How do you get three little old ladies to use the "F" word?
A: Get a fourth little old lady to yell "Bingo."
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life." Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways." Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream." Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years... What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says...
"How soon do you have to know?"
A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all thos f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help" One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter more...