Ladies Jokes / Recent Jokes
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
'Well' he explained' By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen'.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English fool and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
'Well' he explained' By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'.
On his way up to the podium the more...
There are three ladies. Each walk into a salon at different times. A barber looks up as a
brown haired girl walks in. "
Wow. You have such
beautiful brown hair."
and the girl says, "
Thanks, it's natural."
she runs her hand through her hair. Then the blonde walks in. "
You have shiney blonde hair."
and the blonde does the same. "
Oh. Thanks. It's natural."
she ran her hand through her hair. Then an unusual green haired lady walks in. "
Your hair sure is different."
the barber says. "
Oh. Wow. It's natural."
she runs her hand up her nostrils, and to her hair!
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.
The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladiesare hitting from the ladies tee.The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is readyto hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks itanother ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. Youshould have been taking golf lessons instead."
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it - and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I guess all those fricking lessons I took this winter, didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, " Now, you see, that's your problem... You should have taken golf lessons instead. "
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. ” “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive. ” “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think.. . . ” “POOF”
So... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.
Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!