Lamp Jokes / Recent Jokes

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was more...

Banta is a Government Employee. One day, out of boredom, he decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!"
He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
OOPS! He's back in his office again.

Bill walks into a bar. He sits down. He takes out a little tiny man and sits him on the bar. Takes out a little tiny piano. Sets it on the bar. The little tiny man starts playing the little tiny piano.Bob, who is sitting next to Bill, looks at him and says, "Holy crap. Where'd you get that?" Bill replies, "Well, I wished for it. Out back, behind the bar, there's a lamp with a genie in it. I rubbed it and he granted me a wish..."So Bob goes out behind the bar and sure enough, he finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that he'll grant him one wish. "I wish for a million bucks!" Bob said. So the sky parts and a million ducks fall out. Bob walks back into the bar and sits back down next to Bill. "What the hell? I asked for a million bucks and I got a million DUCKS!" Bob said frustrated. Bill looks at Bob and nods. "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Two older, suburban, homosexual gentlemen had been living together for a couple of years, and were getting quite bored with their lives. They were looking at little knickknacks at a garage sale in the Castro, when one of them (Scott) stumbled upon what appeared to be a rare find.
"Look Jim, I just found the most fabulous... pot, or, I don't know what it is! It is It's pretty filthy, but I bet it would look great in our living room!"
Jim agreed, and they purchased the object. Apparently, the holder of the sale had no idea just how valuable a thing he had on his hands, because he sold it for $10.
Later that night, Scott decides he wants to dust off this old thing. To his surprise, what he thought was an old piece of pottery was in fact made of what appeared to be gold!
"Honey, come here!" he yelled.
Jim came running, and Scott continued to polish, until POOF!- A huge creature appears in their living room! Both men scream.
"Do not be more...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said,' OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.' The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,' I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?' The genie laughed and said,' That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No, think of another wish.' The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,' I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know more...

' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't more...

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano. The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, "What's in the bag?" The man pulls out a genie lamp. The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?" The man says, "I don't know. Rub the lamp and see." So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, "You may have one wish."The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says, "Your wish is granted," and goes back into the genie bottle. Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says, "I didn't wish for a million ducks." The man replies, "Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist."