Language Jokes / Recent Jokes
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says the man.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons more...
A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with is new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want off get the hell off now' cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train' cause we are leaving."
The mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS! When you come out you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom, and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride more...
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let`s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don`t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn`t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn`t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on more...
A deaf couple were honeymooning in Hawaii. Having lived sheltered lives, they were very nervous
about their sex life, and communicating their desires to one another in a darkened bedroom. The
husband asked the wife in sign language "Honey how should I tell you when I want to have sex?".
The wife replied in sign language, "if you want have sex nibble my right nipple once, if you don't want
to have sex nibble my left nipple twice".
With the ice broken, the wife asked the same question to the husband.
He replied "darling, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don't want to have sex pull my penis 27 times".
Currently, the language is broadcast in many forms, the most notable being Big Tex, a large Texan who broadcasts soley at the Texas State Fair in October each year. His grass roots efforts over the last 40 years have led to a full program being considered by The Texas School System and Ross Perot.
Here is a sample of the curriculum for the beginning language study program:
ahz: the thi aig: which come first, the chi arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkl bawl: what water does bidness: comme bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw co-cola: any form/bran clin cri dawfins: name of the pro footba daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the dayum: an expletive; in other states, a f doc: a condition caused by an ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day sin far: git: goff: a game played with clubs and a li hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! hoss: a more...