Last Jokes / Recent Jokes
"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter more...
Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone
in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,
"Who sneezed?"
Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of
people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,
"Now, who sneezed?"
Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last
three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,
"Now! Who sneezed??"
A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,
"Um, I did, comrade."
To which Stalin replies,
"Bless you."
... and then continues his speech.
You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here -
Your asshole is in Washington!
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick more...
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!!..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!... Aim!!..."
...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
There were three blondes getting executed, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The executer came up to the brunette and said, do you have any last words?
The brunette pointed to the sky and yelled HURRICANE!!! Everyone ran for safety.
The executer came up to the redhead and said, do you have any last words?
The redhead pointed to the sky and yelled TORNADO!!! Everyone ran for safety.
The executer came up to the blonde and said, do you have any last words?
The blonde pointed to the sky and yelled FIRE!!! The executer shot her.
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife... cold as ever"
Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband... stiff at last"