Late Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another woman, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another man, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she more...

(This joke is best told and not read. It helps if you can do dialects.)
Time: late 1940's
Place: New York
There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple
when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room
for the night. As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, "Why
don't we try this one?" The other says, "Are you crazy? It says on the
sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It
means they don't let Jews in!" To which the first man replies,
"Restricted, reschmicted. Let's go in and have a little fun. Just
let me do all the talking."
So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk.
Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room!
Clerk: (Flustered. With a "Connecticut clench") I'm sorry, but this
is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here.
Man: What makes you think I'm Jewish? more...

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you more...

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please son't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, "Please, God don't let me be late to church - but don't shove me either!

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The more...

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.
Please don't let me be late to church...."
As she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again...
"Please, God don't let me be late to church - but don't shove me either!
One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked hid Dad, ''What are these Pop?''
''They're smart pills son,'' said his father.
''Eat them and they'll make you smarter."
So he ate them and said, ''Yuck...these taste like poop!''
''See,'' said his father, ''you're already getting smarter!''

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."
Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?
Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."
"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"
"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."
"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"
What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.
Later that night, when Dave gets home late, more...