Late Jokes / Recent Jokes
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
To my dear wife, During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often. We will wake the children....... 17 times It's too late....... 15 times I'm too tired....... 5 times It's too early....... 52 times It's too hot....... 15 times Pretending to be asleep....... 49 times Window open the neighbours will hear....... 9 times Backache....... 2 times Headache....... 16 times Sunburnt....... 10 times Your mother will hear us....... 6 times Not in the mood....... 21 times Will wake the baby....... 17 times Watching the late TV show....... 7 times Too sore....... 9 times New hairdo....... 4 times Wrong time of the month....... 4 times You had to go to the toilet....... 9 timesOn the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 more...
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged.' 'I can't walk around like this!!"
"Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.''
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the more...
Hey buddy. How late does the band play?
About half a beat behind the drummer.
Name of intended recipient..................................................
Name of applicant..........................................
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Applicant's Relationship to Intended Recipient
Husband ( ) Wife ( ) Acquaintance ( )
Fiancee ( ) Boyfriend ( ) Family pet ( )
Friend ( ) Girlfriend ( ) Mother-in-law ( )
(Tick appropriate box)
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My reason/s for this application is/are
Marriage ( ) Practice ( )
Birthday ( ) Health ( )
Pre-marital check ( ) Aids test ( )
Annual target ( ) Anniversary ( )
No cable television ( ) Prevent healing up ( )
Other reason/s.............................................
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Type Required
Fast ( ) Slow ( ) Long ( ) Short ( ) Multiple more...
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
If you kiss her once more...
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church - but don't shove me either!