Lawn Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower? Unemployed.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

Here's a story, that actually did happen.
On July 2nd 1982, Larry Walters, a truck driver from North Hollywood, California, fulfilled a life-long dream. While visiting some friends in San Pedro, Ca., he attached 45 weather balloons and several gallon jugs of water to a lawn chair, tethered it to the ground, and filled the balloons with helium. Then, equipped with a parachute, a large bottle of soda, a hand-held citizen's band radio, and an air pistol, he had his friends cut the tethers.
Larry's lawn chair, the "Inspiration I", immediately and unexpectedly shot up to an elevation of 16,000 feet, and then began drifting east, eventually over the Long Beach airport, where he was spotted by two airliner pilots, who reported to the tower "a guy in a lawn chair" drifting by.
Larry attempted to land by shooting out some of the balloons with his air pistol, but lost it overboard before he could affect a rapid decent. He then broadcast a mayday on his radio, more...

one day there was this blond and she got on her computer and it said "
you got mail"
so she went outside and checked her mail and she didnt have any.
so she went back inside and got back on her computer and for the 2nd time her computer said "
you got mail"
so she went back outside and she sitll didnt have any mail.
so she got back on for the 3rd time "
you got mail"
so when he went back outside he een that she still didnt have any mail, and the guy nextdoor was mowing his lawn and he was watching her everytime she went to check her mail, so he aked her why do u keep on checking your mail its sunday she said "
the computer keep telling me that i have mail.the guy said no it meens that you have mail on your computer.shes like ooooooooo i thought it ment that i had mail in my mailbox.thanx how cani ever thank you you can start by aying thank you then you can mow my lawn...

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied

Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfullness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos." Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection." But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him." Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here." And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it more...