Lawn Jokes / Recent Jokes
Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so
people won't park on your lawn.
Use it as building material. (This is actually what the
Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them
to take you off their list.
It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.
Carve the Presidents' faces in one and submit it as a
science project.
Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel
blocks.
Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag
marked "lawn fertilizer."
For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build
an artificial reef.
Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to
keep your feet dry.
Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago.
A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn. The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they paying you?"
Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the house."
Twas the night before Chirstmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt crappy
Even the mouse,
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of Ass,
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big d***
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The sucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d***
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of B****
Blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
As he road out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a Hell of a Night!
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. Theyre hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they dont work.
So, these two guys are carpooling home from work one day.
Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.
"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.
So the passenger says "You have to try it. Its pretty cool.
Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"
To which the driver replies more...