Lawn Jokes / Recent Jokes

A short story...
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Dumb Ohio Laws
# In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker`s stand, you can be fined $25. 00.
# Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
# It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
# It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
# The Ohio driver`s education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
# Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
# Breast feeding more...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. It is illegal to get a fish drunk. It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house. Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes. No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July. In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited. Bay Village: It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road. Bexley: The installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited. Clinton County: Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines. Cleveland: It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license! Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. Columbus: It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday. Fairview Park: It's against the more...

1.Puppies won't ask you if it's the best puppy you've ever had. 2.A puppy always comes to you when you call it. 3.If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached. 4.All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects. 5.Puppies love you unconditionally. 6.It's OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy. 7.You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies. 8.Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts/more money/better looks/a better body/etc. 9.Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal. 10.Puppies don't "bite the hand that feeds them". 11.Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks. 12.A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.13.Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room. 14.A puppy won't give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason. 15.You can train more...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said more...

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles. orThe neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. orThe grip.

A nurse from england was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:"Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."