Lay Jokes / Recent Jokes
> PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
> constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
> bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
> let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
> Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
> ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him
> like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's
> unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck
> his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to
> evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police
> detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
> dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that
> time he suffocated. "It seems to be more...
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows' 95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December more...
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be a shiftless bastard. Man who lay girl on hill not on level. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab. Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house. Man who farts in church sits alone in pew. Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts. Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring Nail on board is not good as screw on bench. Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth. Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth. Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality. more...
To my dear wife, During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often. We will wake the children....... 17 times It's too late....... 15 times I'm too tired....... 5 times It's too early....... 52 times It's too hot....... 15 times Pretending to be asleep....... 49 times Window open the neighbours will hear....... 9 times Backache....... 2 times Headache....... 16 times Sunburnt....... 10 times Your mother will hear us....... 6 times Not in the mood....... 21 times Will wake the baby....... 17 times Watching the late TV show....... 7 times Too sore....... 9 times New hairdo....... 4 times Wrong time of the month....... 4 times You had to go to the toilet....... 9 timesOn the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 more...
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by more...
Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be? Fred: None! Fred (surprised): Why not? Fred: Because you cant lay eggs!
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees--always willing to work overtime and go the extra mile when needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees; he would have to lay one off.
But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sits in his office and watches them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."