Lay Jokes / Recent Jokes
Question: If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a barn, which way would it roll?
Answer: Neither, roosters don't lay eggs.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: Because the rooster egged her on.
Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?
Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be!
Question: Why can't you tease egg whites?
Answer: They can't take a yolk.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Omelette.
Omelette who?
Omelette smarter than I look!
Question: What do you call an egg that goes on safari?
Answer: An eggs-plorer!
Question: What do you call a city of 20 million eggs?
Answer: New Yolk City!
Question: What happens when you tell an egg a joke?
Answer: It cracks up!
Question: What do you get when you put a Tasmanian Devil in a chicken coop?
Answer: Deviled eggs!
Question: Why did the chicken lay an egg?
Answer: Because it would break if she dropped more...
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
Two cows are grazing in a pasture enjoying their grass. At around noon they decide to lay under a tree, chew their cud, and talk for awhile.
The first cow says to the other, "Have you heard about that awful new Mad Cow Disease?"
The second cow, chewing her cud says, "Yea, I heard about."
The first cow says, "Well, I'm really worried! I heard that a lot of the cows in the pasture down the road have caught it!"
The second cow says, "Yea I heard."
The first cow says, "Well you don't seem to worried about it!"
The second cow says, "I'm Not worried."
Irate now, the first cow says, "how can you just lay there, and not worry about such a horrible Disease!?"
The second cow says, "Easy, because I can't catch it"
The first cow says, "And Just What Makes Think That!!!"
The second says, "Because more...
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Sent by Zena
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha GuitryWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha GuitryAn ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha GuitryThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine HepburnSometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine HepburnBigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver HerfordWedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John more...
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.