Lay Jokes / Recent Jokes

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents.

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go.
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, " Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, " You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."

Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun?-It burns too easily

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away. She said, "But we don`t know anything about
each other."
&
He said, "That`s all right, we`ll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.
&
One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of
his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a& half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in& jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water
like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and& lay down on the towel.
&
She said," That was incredible!"
&
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told
you we`d learn more about ourselves as we went along."
&
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. more...

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said' I'm coming', and Mom said' I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted,' Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in more...