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The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form: Last name: _______________________First name: (Check appropriate box)(_)Billy-Bob(_)Billy-Joe(_)Billy-Ray(_)Billy-Sue(_)Billy-Mae(_)Billy-JackWhat does everyone call you?(_)Booger(_)Bubba(_)Junior(_)Sissy(_)Other____________Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)Sex: ____ M ____ F ____Not sureShoe size: ____ Left ____ RightOccupation:(Check appropriate box)(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Unemployed(_)Dirty Politician(_)PreacherSpouse's Name: _____________2nd Spouse's Name: _______________3rd Spouse's Name: _______________Lover's Name: _______________Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)(_)Sister(_)Brother(_)Aunt(_)Uncle(_)Cousin (_)Mother(_)Father(_)Son(_)Daughter(_)PetNumber of children living in the home: _____Number of the children living in the shed: _____Number that are yours: _____Mother's Name: ____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Father's Name: ____________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle more...

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: May I see you pretty soon?
Woman: Don't you think I'm pretty now?
Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Let's start with your bank account.
Man: May I have the last dance?
Woman: You've just had it.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Is this seat more...

"Camptown Races":

I can't come to the telephone;

doo-dah, doo-dah.

Leave your message when you hear the tone;
oh, de doo-dah day.

Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...

So leave a message when you hear the tone.

I'll call you back someday...

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rachel, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $5 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Christy, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $2 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Matt, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well, you are wrong. Hi, Matt."

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so more...

Sea-Floor Spreading Lament (folksong) by Brenna Lorenz
Refrain: Alas for the spreading of the ocean,
Alas for the spreading of the sea,
Alas for every year that passes by,
Taking you two inches more from me!
Oh, why did you leave our native plate,
Causing me to weep and to mourn?
With the plates diverging at such a rate,
To leave me alone and lorn?
If only the mantle would my counsel take,
If the Earth would but listen unto me,
I'd say, "Your convection cell remake,
And bring my darling back to me!"
So dive you down, you ocean dark,
Part of the mantle be-
Fire you up, you island arc -
Subduct my darling back to me!