Lesson Jokes / Recent Jokes

' Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender

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Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks more...

Police have been looking for a disgruntled McDonald's customer who ran into two other customers with her car after a dispute over who was next in line. Melinda Ann Thomas, 34, and Linda Ann Thomas, 51, were standing in a crowded line. A cashier opened a new line and they stepped to the front of it-a move that angered another customer who was waiting to order.
As the Thomas' made their way to their car, witnesses said the woman pulled out of her parking space and sped toward the women, striking them both with her Jeep.
Those women learned a valuable lesson. There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who will jump to the front of a new line, and those who will run over those people.

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union." 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says:
" Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted: " I want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff …. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted:
" I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "
Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.
The boss calmly said: " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12. 30 pm. "
MORAL OF THE STORY: ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST

LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand," Listen," said more...

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn`t run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "`It`s because yer feet ain`t empty."

Little Johnny kept spelling the word "went" wrong, instead he spelt "whent". His teacher, who was very fusterated, decided to keep him after class to spell "went" 100 times.
The next day she comes into the classroom, thinking he learned his lesson, and sees the whole board is full of the word "went".
But at the end...
"I wrote "went" 50 times, then I ran out of space, so I whent home"