Swing Jokes

A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it, while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.
After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.
"It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

Why are all crane operators bi sexual?
They swing both ways

A Canadian was observing teaching methods in schools in several African countries.
In one, she found the children doing a science lesson, timing the swing of a pendulum. The lesson had evidently been prepared in the US as the children were counting "Mississippi one, Mississippi two, Mississippi three..."
After the lesson the Canadian gave a talk and mentioned that if children in her country were doing this experiment, they would probably use a Canadian word like "Saskatchewan" to do the timing.
The next day, the Canadian happened to drop in on the class and found them still timing the pendulum's swing, but today they were counting "Saskatche one, Saskatche two..."

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: more...

Yes, motherhood changes everything. But motherhood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
Third baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
First baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
Second baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
Third baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth
First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
Second baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a more...