"Progressive Motherhood" joke
Yes, motherhood changes everything. But motherhood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
Third baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
First baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
Second baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
Third baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth
First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
Second baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
Third baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette
First baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
Second baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
Third baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
First baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you
pick up the baby.
Second baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
Third baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Activities
First baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.
Second baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
Third baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
First baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
Second baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
Third baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
At Home
First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
Third baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
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A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."