Licence Jokes / Recent Jokes

Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats cant drive!

The holiday
Michael and Hetty, an elderly couple, are on holiday in Devon when they decide to take a drive into the countryside. Hette is driving when she gets stopped by a traffic policeman.
The officer comes up to the car and says to her, “Madam, did you know you were speeding?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He says you were speeding.”
The policeman then says to Hette, “May I see your driving licence?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He wants to see your driving licence.”
So Hette gives the officer her licence.
The policeman looks at the licence and then says, “Ah. I see you are both from Golders Green in London. I spent some time there many years ago and I’ll always remember the time that I went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life.”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, more...

1 "Processing" licence renewal forms through the paper shredder

2 Substituting city morgue stock photos for driver I.D. snapshots

3 Going out to lunch off the extra money they took from the last guy

4 Using the D.M.V. computers to switch your optometrist appointment to a proctologist

5 Mailing you a 32 cent postage stamp instead of the $32 licence plate sticker you paid for

6 Watching you on surveilence cameras; placing bets on how long you'll wait before leaving

7 Marking every fourth answer on your written driver's test wrong

8 Changing the registration info on your car to make it the official D.M.V. test vehicle

9 Threatening to call the I.R.S. whenever somebody wakes them up

10 Each other

Two guys are driving through Alabama, when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the Trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's licence, and he's clean. He gives the guy his licence back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that more...

there was this blond all drunk and she was going 75 in a 45 mile speed limit. She got pulled over and she cop said licence and registration please. So the blond gives the cop wat he asked for. When the cop got to his car he ran a check on her licence. the police station said "is this blond hot sexy and has big boobs"? He said yes. So the station said "ok this is what you do, you pull down your pants and take your dick out and she will know what to do." The cop did what he was instructed to do and the blond said not a nother breath alizer test!

Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive?

Extracted from US news papers:
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Sherri Lynn Rossi was hit in the head more than 20 times with a blunt object and left covered in
blood and in a coma on the side of a road, according to doctors in Pittsburgh in June. When she came
out of the coma, she identified her attacker as her husband, Richard A. Rossi Jr., pastor of the
local, independent, charismatic First Love Church. Richard Rossi denied the charge, insisting that
the hijacker must have been a man who looked like him and had a car like his, and that it was "very
possible, oh, yes" that his wife's attacker was Satan in human form. In October, Sherri Lynn Rossi
abruptly withdrew her accusation, and concurred that her attacker might have been a demon in human
form.
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New York city police arrested the city's most notorious traffic scofflaw, Leroy Linen, 41, in
November. He had inadvertently given them his real name more...