Lie Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50, 000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible. ”His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but. . . ”"But, what? ”"Let me put it this way, ” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed. ”Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so? ”Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away. ”
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again"
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Hornigate.
Most people get AIDS from sex;
But President Clinton gets sex from aides.
President Clinton: "I didn't say to lie in the deposition!
I said lie in that position!"
The price of oil has skyrocketed; rumor has it that the President is drilling in the White House again.
The latest on Zippergate President Clinton's name has been recently identified with the UNABANGER.
Did you hear that they renamed one of the offices in the White House as the Oral more...
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20. 95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... to... uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
An Englishman, an American and a Sinhala man are called
upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says. "I think I can
empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ goes the lie detector. "Ok, 10
bottles". And themachine is silent. The American says. "I think
I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ goes the lie detector.
"all right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent.
The Sinhala man says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the
machine.
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Having lost his donkey a Banda, got down to his
knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,"Your
donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?
The Banda replied "I am thanking Him for seeing
to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing more...
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."