Lie Jokes / Recent Jokes
God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie.
God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it more...
(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set it's nest on fire!!!" Never lie to kids, ESPECIALLY GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The following excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When more...
Rabri Devi died and went to hell (as expected…)
As she stood in front of Yamraj, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.
She asked, “What are all those clocks? ”
Yamraj answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. ”
Rabri: “Oh”, “Who’s clock is that? ”
Yamraj: “That’s Gautam Buddha’s. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie. ”
Rabri: “And whose clock is that? ”
Yamraj: “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life. ”
Rabri: “Where’s my Laloo’s clock? ”
Yamraj: “Laloo’s clock is in my office, I’m using it as ceiling fan”.
Mrs. B went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move. " Oh," said Mrs. B "who's clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie.
" Who's clock is that?"
That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life.
" Where is Chandrika's clock?" asks Mrs. B.
"Chandrika's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a table fan."
Two girls were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing? ”
One girl answers, “We found a ten dollar and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie. ”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves, ” said the teacher, ”When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was. ”
The girls gave the ten dollars to the teacher.