Lifeguard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lifeguard: "I've been watching you, Mr. , and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.
: "But everybody urinates in the pool."
Lifeguard: "From the diving board?"
Frank

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10. Swim near a stranger and say, ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''
11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
13. Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
14. more...

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
*Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
*Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
*Hit strangers with your flutter board.
*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.
*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
*Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
*Swim near a stranger and go ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''
*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
*Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
*Laugh at fat people in more...

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool."Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool!""Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!"

Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, "Benny! Benny, what happened?!"

"Madam, please don't get hysterical," said the lifeguard. "I'm just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he'll be fine."

"What!" Mrs. Cohen yelled. "My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing."