Lighter Jokes

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

Sven & Olaf were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter', he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
Vell', replied Olaf,' I got it from my Genie'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure, it's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf.
Could I see him?' asked Sven.
Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Sven says,' Hey dere, I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will', says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million more...

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing;' Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing' Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the more...

A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to
> economise in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she
> spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette
> with it and put it in his pocket.
>
> She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your
> trousers.
>
> He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to
> discussing such things with ladies.
>
> She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you
> jerk it up and down?
>
> He: Oh, sometimes...
>
> She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub
> yours up and down until something comes?
>
> He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.
>
> She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?
>
> He: No, most certainly not!
>
> She: Oh. You should, it more...

One chimpanzee studying the palm of another: "I see a grim future for you. You're going to evolve into a man."
The Christmas Parrot "One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" the young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her more...