Lighting Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. "Hey!" she announced. "This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!" "You put a stop to that right now," he shouted. "That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!"
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it more...
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign: 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for more...
Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didn't have; this Christmas we are thinking about all the things we do have.
Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes; this Christmas we are placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes.
Last Christmas we were letting our sons play with toy guns; this Christmas we are teaching them that guns are not toys.
Last Christmas we were counting our money; this Christmas we are counting our blessings.
Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate; this Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.
Last Christmas we paid lip service to the real meaning of the holidays; this Christmas we are paying homage to it.
Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find money to fly home for the holidays; this Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to find the courage to do so.
Last Christmas we were trying not to let annoying relatives get the best of us; more...