Lights Jokes / Recent Jokes
: When greeting a Filipino driver, slowly lower your window and be prepared to greet the driver with: "Tang namo, bobo". However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a joyful "Tang namo rin, gago". On Turn signals If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably greet you and you already know what to do. On Traffic Lights These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the colors change on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials (specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction for drivers to follow. From pure observation I have determined the following instructions for each color: Yellow light: accelerate your car as much as possible. Red light: this light gives permission to the next more...
An Indian dies and goes to Heaven. As is the custom he is met at the pearly gates and taken for a tour. He finally lands in God's room. In front of God is a huge console with many red lamps.
"Every time," his guide tells him, "anyone lies on the Earth these lights flash."
Just as they spoke, all the lights on the console beginning to light up like crazy.
The Indian is puzzled. "So many lies at the same time?" he asks.
"Yes," says his guide, "there is an election rally in New Delhi."
Things not to Say When Hanging the Lights
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three
most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Our psychiatrist
claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and
wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.)
We bring you this list of Things Not To Say When
Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
"You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed
to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?
Tie them in knot?"
"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw
them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your more...
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St.: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St.: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun. The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
Strange and silly things to do while driving. We do not advise doing any of the below “things to do while driving”, as all driving should be taken seriously. The below “things to do while driving” are simply here for entertainment purposes.
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires more...
A woman walked into the doctor's but didn't like the way he was looking at her. When he told her to undress she asked him to turn out the lights before she disrobed. After he turned out the lights she said:
"Where will I put my clothes?"
"Hang them up over here," he replied, "next to mine."