Limo Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 more...

one night it was a boys birthday. and his parents told him he had to take a shower so he said but its my birthday. they said NOW! he said ok but daddy will you take a shower with me his dad said oh allright so they took a shower together and while they were in there he said daddy whats that while he was pointing at his dads dick. and his dad said its my limozine. when they got out of the shower his parents decided he wasnt clean enough so they said he had to take another shower and the little boy replied mommy will you take a shower with me she said ok. while they were in the shower he said mommy whats that and pointed at her pussy. she said it was her garage and then he said mommy what are those and pointed at her boobs and she said those are my headlights. and so that night when they told him to go to bed he asked if he could sleep in there bed with them they said ok but dont look under the covers and he says ok. that night the bed was shaking so he got curious and looked under the more...

For HER

08: 15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08: 30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday

08: 45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

09: 15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil

10: 00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10: 30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry

12: 00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12: 45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg

13: 00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.

15: 00 Nap

16: 00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer

16: 15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

17: 30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in more...

The Perfect Day - Her 8: 45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9: 00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9: 30 Light Breakfast 11: 00 Sunbathe 12: 30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1: 45 Shopping 2: 30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3: 00 Facial, massage, nap 7: 30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10: 00 Make love 11: 30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6: 45 Alarm. 7: 00 Shower and massage. 7: 30 Blowjob. 7: 45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8: 15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8: 30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9: 30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11: 30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12: 30 Blowjob. 12: 45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2: 30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3: 30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and more...

- Her 8: 45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9: 00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9: 30 Light Breakfast 11: 00 Sunbathe 12: 30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1: 45 Shopping 2: 30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3: 00 Facial, massage, nap 7: 30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10: 00 Make love 11: 30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms - Him 6: 45 Alarm. 7: 00 Shower and massage. 7: 30 Blowjob. 7: 45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8: 15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8: 30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9: 30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11: 30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12: 30 Blowjob. 12: 45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2: 30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3: 30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six more...

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrent lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and cut
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 more...

Saddam is riding in his limo in the Iraqi countryside when there is a sudden bump and the limo stops. The chauffer gets out, walks around the car and reports to Saddam, "I just killed a pig. I think it came from that peasant's hut by the road."So Saddam tells him to go and tell the peasant that he is Saddam Hussein's chauffer and that he just killed the pig and that the peasant must be happy because it really is a big honor, to have a pig killed by the president's limo.
The chauffer goes inside the hut and disappears. About an hour later he returns very drunk, smoking a cigar, and looking extremely happy."What happened there?" asks Saddam."I went inside, I said what you told me to say, and the peasant hugged me and thanked me, and threw a party in my honor and gave me this cigar.""And what exactly did you tell him?""I said' I'm Saddam Hussein's chauffer and I just killed the pig!'"