Liquor Jokes / Recent Jokes

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of
inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow more...

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20. 00 Coffee $1. 00 Total $21. 00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50. 00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20. 00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms more...

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to more...

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".
Q: What did you have for breakfast?
A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!
Q: What did you have for lunch?
A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!
Q: What did you have for supper?
A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!...
Q: What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".Q: What did you have for breakfast? A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor! Q: What did you have for lunch? A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor! Q: What did you have for supper? A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!... Q: What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street? hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

Everytime I ask you a question you say "ketchup and liquor".
What did you have for breakfast?
Ketchup and liquor
Lunch?
kechup and liquor
dinner?
ketchup and liquor
what do you do when you see a naked lady running down the street?
ketchup and liquor

Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed) It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. You may not drive a black car on Sundays. It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado. The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman more...