Lisa Jokes

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa a new car from $199 down and $199 a month!

Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is?
Jimmy:It's a fake diamond, Miss.
What's the longest piece of furniture in the school?
The multiplication table.
'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher.
'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried.
'How did she do that?'
'I hit her on the head with it.'
The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad.
'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.'
'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past nine now.'
What is the most popular sentence at school?
I don't know!
Teacher: 'Are you good at arithmetic?'
Hal: 'Well, yes and no.'
Teacher: 'What do you mean, yes and no?'
Hal: 'Yes, I'm no good at arithmetic.'
Science teacher: 'Lisa, can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity?'
Lisa: 'Why, er...'
Science teacher: 'Wire is correct.'
When is a yellow school book not a yellow school more...

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding
10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right.
9. She could've used a little more of his eye-liner.
8. I bet they didn't have to get married.
7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya.
6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am.
5. There's that strange whirring sound again - as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave.
4. I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like.
3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am.
2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake - oh, it's just Liz Taylor.
1. I just heard on the weather channel - hell froze over.

Right after Lisa Marie had Michael Jackson's baby, they went to see her gynecologist. After the baby's exam, Michael asked the doctor, "Doctor, how long will it be before we can have sex?" The doctor replied, "Well, Michael, you probably ought to wait until he's at least 10 or 11."

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. .. it's how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I more...