Lisa Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?A: "Boy, that's a relief. I thought she married a black guy!"

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Wedding
10. Family to the left, plastic surgeons to the right.
9. She could've used a little more of his eye-liner.
8. I bet they didn't have to get married.
7. I'll have to ask you to check your snake at the door, La Toya.
6. I'm sorry, I can't find a Brooke Shields on the guest list, ma'am.
5. There's that strange whirring sound again - as if some deceased rock star were spinning in his grave.
4. I got you some his and hers towels. Split 'em up however you like.
3. I'm Mr. Tito Jackson. You mean Dr. Tito Jackson? Yes I am.
2. Ahhh! The ghost of Elvis is eating all the cake - oh, it's just Liz Taylor.
1. I just heard on the weather channel - hell froze over.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lisa.
Lisa who?
Lisa you can do is let me in! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa a new car from $199 down and $199 a month!

Using a laser scanner French scientist believe that the kitten-ish Vixen Mona Lisa, may have been "with child" at the time she sat for the "rockstar" painter Leonardo De Vinci...Oh that Leo, always creating.
Still more amazing was that the scientist were even able to get the laser function to work on their "All In One" copy machine.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. .. it's how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I more...

One morning, Lisa and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3. 99.

"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don't want the eggs."

"OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4. 50."

"Why," asked Lisa, "it doesn’t make sense.

"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied.

"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.

"Yes," replied the waitress.

"OK then, I'll take the special," says Sadie.

"How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress.

"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.

At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.
Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map?
Tony shows him America.
Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America?
Lisa: Tony just did!!