List Jokes / Recent Jokes

Top Ten Questions that Make You Go Huh?
1. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

2. What happens if you get scared to death twice?

3. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

5. If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

8. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?

9. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

10. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

A bunch of better idiots
These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have that book by Rushdie:' Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39. 95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha... what a bone head!
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm... I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen... do you?
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No... that's your brain miss-firing.)
"I am looking for a list of laws more...

Top 10 Most Rejected Children Book Titles
1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. 101 Games to Play in the Road
4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
5. Your Nightmares are real
6. Monsters Killed Grandpa
7. All Guns Squirt Water
8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
9. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
10. Dad's New Wife Robert

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to more...

You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffine in about 6 hours.
You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head.
You think the cleaning lady is sining in tune.
You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizare rules of grammer but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.
You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).
You wonder when the invasion will begin.
You understand #8.
You write a list like this.
You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} [] or other meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers force down upon us its represion more...

10 Things To Do In An Elevator To Have Fun
1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud.
2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected.
7. Leave a box between the doors.
8. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask' is that your beeper?'
10. Say' I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 more...