Listen Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself. Sincerely, Edna Johnston"

1. San Diego police department, how may we help you?
2. Hi! Would you like to buy a new sofa, fridge or car? What about a vacuum?
3. Hello earthling. I am an alien. You may not know this, but right now, I am having sex with your ear.
4. Let your child answer the phone and tell them to say this: "Will you be my friend?"
5. Burp into the phone.
6. Fart into the phone.
7. Yes, I'd like to order one large mushroom pizza, and cheese sticks...
8. Hello, the president is not in his office at this moment, this is his secretary, can I take a message?
9. Saddam Hussein's headquarters. May I ask why you are calling?
10. Konnichiwa. Aji tunti wahika nu popo bwah? Bunwaf huji toe... (you get the point.)
11. Nobody's home! (hang up)
12. Push random buttons on the phone and make music with the beeps, don't stop until they hang up.
13. Be a pest, say "Why are you trying to sell me stuff?" listen to their response. Say more...

A gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken.
The waiter said, "Take my advice and have the boiled beef today."
"No thank you. I want the roast chicken"
"Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef"
"What is this? Don't you suppose I know what I want? Bring me the roast chicken at once!" The diner was getting mad.
"I will not do that. I know better than you what you want."
"Look," said the diner striking the table a resounding blow, "get me the manager!"
The manager drawn by the noise, came bustling over. "What the hell is going on here?"
The waiter turned to him and said, "Listen. This guy didn't come here to eat. He came here to give me an arguement." From "Asimov Laughs Again", an absolutely wonderful book full of jokes and anecdotes from the Good Doctor.

If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else.

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the
gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm more...

This is another joke I heard from a friend many years ago. It is however
a translation from an Iranian joke.
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the
food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir,
I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is
sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the
house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for
another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks
over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few
minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen
and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you,
whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out more...

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can`t bring that dog in here." "You don`t understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk." "Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I`ll give you a hundred bucks." The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What`s on top of a house?" "Roof!" "Right. And what`s on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who`s the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you`ve heard enough," says the man. "I`ll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they`re on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said `DiMaggio`?"