London Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck!
Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire? A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal.
Q: What is the definition of mass confusion? A: Father's day in Harlem!
Did you hear about the Indian who couldn't tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took!
A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, "Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in."The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, "The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'YELLOW'!"
This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates.
An American walking through the streets of London, more...

Passenger: Does this bus go to London? Conductor: No. Passenger: But it says London on the front. Conductor: There's an advertisement for baked beans on the side, but we don't sell them!

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me. . . that is why we give you 21 days.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the more...

I just got back from a sailing holiday where I remembered this true tale
you might be interested in.
A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Laser) to buy, when he
hit on a great idea...
At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large trailer
park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if
the owner didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen Mary club
is very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this
yard that judging from their condition hadn't been sailed for at least
a year.
My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary
for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap
he rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he was going to sail it
himself "one of these days."
He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman
answered the phone and confirmed that they did more...

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her all the seats that are going to London are in the middle row.

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."
The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"