Longer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not more...

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. He decided to talk to his doctor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his doctor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late' 70 or early' 80 model Dodge Pickup," said the doctor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the doctor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full.. of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.. we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like more...

One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that mankind had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer nee You. We're at the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, sop why don't You just retire?"
God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this: Let's have a man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said "Sure, no problem!" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You got to get your own dirt!"

You might be a reneck if...

Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no blade.

You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.

You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.

You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.

Your pickup truck no longer has a back.

The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.

The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."

Your mustache is longer than your wife's hair.

Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don`t worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don`t worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don`t worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we`ll be up here all day"

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"