Lose Jokes / Recent Jokes
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1. 00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9: 00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. more...
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order. .. "
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is more...
An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor's office and claims that he's tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won't starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he's sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he's down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he's feeling, noticing that he's bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. "I'm feeling great, doc; never felt better" is the reply.
"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?" asked the doctor.
"Just chewing some gum!"
Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray...........
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house
as well, please let me win the lotto(lottery)".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple.....................
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple.................. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my b siness, my house,
my car and my wife and children are starving.. don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can more...
# Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:
1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).
2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.
3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I just click there.
4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here.
5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here.
6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other.. virgins lose their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it with a hundred horny dwarfs... just click here and here.
7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred).. what else? click over yonder.
8. more...
Here, you'll find jokes and humor about the elderly.
Jokes About DeathOLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL more...