Lots Jokes / Recent Jokes
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using more...
You are immune to the smell of "the kimchi breath." You no longer come to a complete stop at the stop sign and you never yield the right-of-way. You can pick up a single strand of noodles with chopsticks. You ask for more "ko-chu" because the kimchi-chige soup is not hot enough. You enjoy slurping your noodles as loudly as you can. Your back is sore from bowing. You walk down the street holding hands with your buddy. You ask your wife to stand outside with a baseball bat to protect your public parking space in front of the house. You can eat barefooted in a restaurant with a foot in your lap. You can cut in at the front of the line of waiting people with the best of them. You look forward to winter in your off post housing so you can store beer and frozen foods in your bedroom or bathroom. You can fall asleep on the city bus and wake up at your stop. You can shovel in an entire bowl of rice and half a course of Bulkogi into your mouth before you swallow. You rather more...
Originally
From: Shaw Mr. G
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Bill Gates dies and fronts up to the pearly gates.
St Peter: "Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision."
Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada :-). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic :-). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.
Gates: "Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell."
St Peter: "No worries. You've got it."
Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't work it out.
Gates: more...
The Bill Clinton version: "My Favorite Things" (From "The Sound of Music")
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my more...
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:You'll be making under $7 an hour.ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.IMMEDIATE OPENING:The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each more...
Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates. St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision. Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord. He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter. Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell. St Peter: No worries. You've got it. Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out. Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks? St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the beta version
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
By a Weary Father
(thanks craigs)
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape.
- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a more...