Lots Jokes / Recent Jokes
A few years ago, I applied for a job at Kodak. I made it through all the interviews with flying colours, and the only thing left was the drug test. I was confident in passing, but there was one slight problem: I have *very* shy kidneys. I've had to sneak out of the doctor's office on more than one occasion, because I can't "go" and fill up a cup on command. Usually, this is a good thing, as I can go to a concert or football game, drink beer all day, and be fine until I get home, while my friends are standing in line in the bathrooms several times during the same time period.
So, to prepare, on the morning I had to take the test, I drank my usual 10-cup pot of coffee, and several large glasses of water, and for the 20-minute trip to Kodak, I filled a plastic gallon jug with water, and finished it off on the way. Now, Kodak has huge parking lots, each containg hundreds and hundreds of cars, and by the time I got there, the visitor's lots were pretty full, and I had more...
CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth more...
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. You should give that money to charity, said the shopkeeper. No, Ill buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!
Indians have taken to St. Valentine's day with zest. Here are some samples of messages which appeared in the newspapers that day.
A message read:' Nearest, dearest, closest, sweetest, cutest, loveliest, hauntiest, tastiest, wittiest, crunchiest, Jannu. I just called to say I love you. Yours and only yours.'
Not to be outdone another gushed:' Dearest Limpo, you are the most crunchiest, munchiest, loveliest, sensuous, wittiest, funniest, terrific guy I love. Lots lots, lots of love to Limpo.
Still another message read:' To Samta, my love, my life, my dream, my reality, my one and only wife, my best friend.
And another:' Dear Anju, God created U 4 me but I think he 4 got 2 tell U, U R 2 sweet 2 B 4 go 10.'
And what about this:' Meri Idiotni, I believe in you and I love you. Tumhara Idiot.'
Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe..
Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
A: Principal.
Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who more...
What type of Asian are you?
Girls, take this test to find out
Guys, or scroll down. GIRLS 1. On a typical Friday night, you're most likely to be seen at: A) pool hall
B) the mall
C) at home, getting an early start on homework
D) cafe shop
E) your friend's house, having a sleepover 2. Your normal everyday wear is: A) tight shirts, spaghetti straps, baggy jeans, and extra dark lipstick
B) lots and lots of makeup - to impress the guys of course
C) thick glasses, long sun dresses, penny loafers, or sandals
D) high pumps, expensive designer clothes and tons of jewelry
E) college or Mickey Mouse sweatshirts with blue jeans 3. You usually give out your number when: A) almost never, guys get scared off by your mean looks
B) any foine guy happens to ask for it
C) never - you're not supposed to talk to guys
D) there's money floating around him
E) any white guy asks for it 4. When you go to the mall, you: A) give menacing more...
A man recently bought a bull elephant for 50 grand. He decided to make big bucks out of the elephant. He trained the elephant not to jump no matter what then he set up a challenge to make the elephant jump. The prize money was 10 grand. To play this game, the challenger must pay 1 grand to the guy before playing. Lots of people came and tried all sorts of tricks to make the elephant jump but without success. Until the a guy show up and decided to take up this challenge. He paid the elephant owner 1 grand and went to his car and took out a golf club. He held the club behind him and walked around the elephant. After walking around the elephant a few times, he stopped right behind the elephant. He raised his club and swung as hard as he could right smack between the elephant's hind legs. Being a bull elephant, it leaped twenty feet into the air and landed with a crash. The elephant owner, disgusted with the elephant's performance, paid the guy with the golf club his 10 k. After that, the more...