"LOTS of Music Riddles" joke

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe..

Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
A: Principal.

Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! The other two are just hallucinations.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead?
A: One.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: How can you tell a trombonist's kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to use the slide.

Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to do it too loud.

Q: How do you contact a baritone player?
A: You-phone-`em.

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba?
A: About five yards.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" X 3 1/2".

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. (They have machines to do that now.)

Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: He rushes.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings.

Q: Why are pianists' fingers like lightening?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate.

Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

Q: What do you do if you're short a violinist?
A: Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.

Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: No one knows when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common?
A: Both screw up Boeings.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer.

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.