Lucy Jokes / Recent Jokes

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

Who are these from? " she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides more...

The teacher asked her students to bring one electrical appliance for Show and Tell and the following day, each child had brought something.
"What did you bring, Lucy?" asked the teacher.
"I brought a walkman," Lucy said.
"And what it is for?" the teacher asked.
"You can listen to music with it," Lucy explained.
"What did you bring, Eric?" the teacher asked.
"I brought a 'lectric can opener. It's for opening cans," Eric said.
"Very good, Eric," said the teacher.
"Johnny, what about you? I didn't see you bring anything," said the teacher.
"Yes, I brought something. It's in the hall," Johnny replied.
The teacher and all of the students then went out into the hall to see what Johnny had brought.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?" asked the teacher.
"It's a heart/lung machine. Hospitals use it to keep your heart going," Johnny proudly more...

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after more...

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception: A girl named Lucy doesn't go along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she's decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Cubs fan," Lucy says.
"Then what are you?" asks the teacher.
"Why, I'm proud to be a Sox fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she's a Sox fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Sox fans, so I'm a Sox fan, too."
The teacher is now very angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
Lucy pauses, then smiles. "Why, more...

One day at the end of class little Johnny’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. ” The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. ” Next is little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. ” The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, “Don’t count your chicks before they’re hatched. ” Last is Little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out more...

Charley Brown said to Lucy: "Gee I would like
to get in your pants"
Lucy said: WHY!
Charley Brown said: Because I SHIT in mine.

When Tim answered his phone, he heard a woman on the other end say, "Hi, Tim. This is Lucy speaking. Remember we met about four months ago?"
"Lucy?" Tim replied. "About four months ago?"
"Yes, that's right," Lucy said. "It was at John's apartment. After the party, you drove me home. On the way, we parked and got in the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
"Oh, I remember!" Tim exclaimed. "Lucy! How are you?"
"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself," Lucy screeched.
"Hey, you really ARE a good sport!" Tim retorted.