Machine Jokes / Recent Jokes

You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
Arsenio touches your knee.
Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
The EPA comes looking for you.
You go through a Sealy (tm) a week.
Frederic actually comes to your door himself... just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
When you don't know "What's his name?"
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
You are the headquarters for the CDC.
Your baby looks familiar, but... like who?
When they change your # to 976.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
When you've got a "Take a NUmber" machine at your door.
When they call more...

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder more...

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.(From a machine at a college dorm:)A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message." Hi. Now you say something." "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so more...

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- You feel stuck with your debt if more...

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman says:
"I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".
And the machine is silent.
The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
"Allright, 8 hamburgers".
And the machine's silent.
The Sardarji says:
"I think...",
BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MDFrom "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15Scrotum Self-RepairOne morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the more...

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily: (Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m. (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him. (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."