Magic Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask, "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come more...

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, "What's for dinner?"
When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.
When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.
When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.
When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.
When we more...

A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will recieve the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.
The Redhead walks in and says, 'I think I am the most intelligent woman here' and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.
The Brunette walks in and says, 'I think I am the most beautiful woman here' and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.
Next the Blonde walks in and says, 'I think...' and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your more...

I have trouble writing jokes sometimes. For example, last night, I was writing, and I wrote, "My relationships are magic, because the women I date tend to disappear."
But then I realized how hacky and corny that joke is, right? So I thought, and I came up with a punchline that is far more accurate and, I believe, funnier. Here it is:
My relationships are magic, because the women I date tend to get sawed in half."

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, entered a room where they saw a magic mirror. If you looked into the mirror and told the truth, you got a wish. If you told a lie, you got sucked into the mirror for eternity.
The redhead walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world." The mirror sucked her up.
Then, the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world." The mirror sucked her up.
Next, the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think", and the mirror quickly sucked her up.

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:
"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."
"Do you masturbate?", he says.
"No luck". is the reply.
"How about cunnilingus?"
"Nope"
"Kick-start vibrator?"
"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.
"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." the doctor says as he walks into the next room.
He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.
"What is it", she gasps.
"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.
"It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,
hand!" he commands.
The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.
"Ooooh", she sighs.
"VOODOO DICK, box." The more...