Major Jokes / Recent Jokes

The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around, ” he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.
“Driver, ” said the major, “you'd be a total loss in an emergency. ”
“I thought I did pretty well, ” the driver said. “That was my girl. ”

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. — Jeremy S. Anderson

One of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road
across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things
up.
His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern, “Lieutenant, *I'm* in charge. ”
He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon
stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were,
“Lieutenant, you're in charge. ”

FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, more...

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A: A flat major.Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller? A: Be flat, major.Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? A: See flat major.Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? A: C sharp or B flat.Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A: A sharp major.Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music? A: A natural major.Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you`re about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won`t blow away?
A: Root position cords.